He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
