At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
