normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
