you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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