I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
