I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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