You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
