hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed