I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
