Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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