i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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