my phone needs a breathalizer
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
