two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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