Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Is Oprah even human
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
