My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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