$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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