why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
