2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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