Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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