The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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