he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
