All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
