Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
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