I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
