I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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