was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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