We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
