The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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