i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
