That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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