I feel great
I just peed on a car
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
