Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
