you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
