He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
