just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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