actually, I'm a sock model
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
