i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
