and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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