Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
