...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
