I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
