what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
