It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
