you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
