the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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