First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
