I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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