I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
