god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
