Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
