you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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