I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He had one of those small greek statue penises
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
