I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
