how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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