Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
